Well.. after blogging yesterday.. had a small talk with HB.. at least he re-assures me.. but i still feel insecure..

i very fan lah.. now blogging and thinking and sweating at the same time.. HB in the living room with financial planner.. hahaha..

anyway.. today went to max's (QY's bf) house for "dinner" poh piah .. den we chatted and had a good time laffing i suppose... dunno is it real laff or what lah.. but i still very frustrated and bothered..

I dun feel like coming home suddenly.. i wan some time away.. i wan to think whether am i worth his scarific and love.. i dunno.. i think i am a problematic wife/gf or whatever..

suddenly i feel very lost.. dunno why.. dun ask me why.. next week giving birth liaoz.. mind still thinking of so much.. so scared to give birth.. scared of the pain after birth and so on..

do u think flirting on the chatline is acceptable? i dun think so to me leh.. maybe too senstive.. going to give birth liao still think so much.. i can't take it leh.. i think i going to breakdown soon.. pre-natal blues ? depression? my heart hurts.. now i thinking watever HB sms me is really true and from his heart or he just trying to sweet talk me?

yes.. i admit i feel good when he sweet talks.. but i hate to be cheated.. i dun like to be lied to.. if its not real.. i rather u not say or tell me anything.. if its for the baby.. worse still.. did he marry me becos of the baby? well.. he can always ask someone else to give birth for him mah.. since that time my "case" not settled.. can always go for abortion mah..

he hates it when i cry.. but crying is the only way to relieve my pain.. so can't u just leave me to cry.. cry my heart out after that i will be alright...

but crying in front of him i also scared.. i dun cry at home.. den u wan me to cry in public den come home meh? when i cry at home.. he is home liaoz.. den how?? i really dunno leh.. i scared cry too much he will dun like me den abandon me.. or think that my past is due to my crying too much???

but its not lor.. its the phobia in me.. i am scared.. very scared.. who can help pull me out? out of the darker side and the timid little me? overcome the scared scared scared?

i use to throw temper a lot.. cos i dunno how to vent my anger.. now the only way or whenever i am angry/ sad/ happy.. i only can cry.. will i go blind 1 day?

i also dunno what i just typed make sense a not.. but i think i am suppose to feel much better..

HB has made me love him so much.. that he makes me feel now that.. chatroom ppl are more important den me now.. why? i know he flirts on msn.. but does he knows it hurts me too?

i have since being with him.. stopped flirting.. stopped leading ppl on.. so when he says he miss the ppl online.. and he says he misses me.. which is true? which is flirting? which is sweet talk? i dunno..

its a long long time since we go "pak tor" liaoz.. whenever we go "pak tor" in the beginning we heart to heart talk alot.. is it becos its on fire time? new birds time? now we seldom heart to heart talk.. only i tell him what i am thinking.. no longer of what he is thinking of....... further more he is addicted to chat rooms.. yes.. i know him thru chatroom.. maybe becos of that i am scared that he will get to know someone else thru chatroom too..

yes i know i should trust him.. but his addiction is over-doing it liaoz.. i dun feel secure.. not as secure as when we stay in 1 room.. that kind of security is no longer there..

HB also said.. he will get over the addiction in 2-3 weeks time.. but.. its been over that liao i suppose.. i wonder when bb comes out.. will he still be as addicted?? i am worried.. i can't take it liaoz.. i may really breakdown soon.. :(

tomolo got company dinner..

7th day of the lunar month.. is call "ren ri" .. everybody's birthday.. hahaha..

went to mum's plc for steamboat lor.. den again play mahjong.. play cards and so on.. den went to collect the maid's WP!.. omg!! reach there.. they take 4 ppl to search for her passport and WP.. end up.. the IC see wrongly.. tot its the maid's WP.. end up.. haven come yet.. that means MOM haven release yet lah.. like that also can.. waste my time.. waste petrol.. sigh..

den play play play.. play cards and so on again lor.. den this time lose money in cards lah.. that's why i dun like to play cards.. very easy lose money one.. mahjong still can control u wanna win more or lose more.. hahaha..

have dinner only at 9 pm.. ya.. after eating all the tibits when i say hungry.. make me cannot eat much during dinner lor.. den mum send us back and den she take the car.. me can't drive liaoz.. too tired.. and too heavy and lazy i suppose..

Aiyo~~!! go back to work.. very heavy leh.. walk also very heavy..

went back from chicken pox.. ppl say i become darker.. how can that be??!!! 2 weeks at home should be fairer mah..

hmmmm.. weird..

boss give me the "kai gong" ang bao lor.. this year give $50.. aiyo!! lunch tat day is horrible!!! eat already so "fan wei" .. maybe eat too much home food liaoz.. eat outside food not use to it..

boss ask me.. dun walk ard too much lah.. hahahahaha.. scared i give birth.. hahaha.. so funny..

den on friday.. aunty.. called me and den ask me to book tix for her maid to go home.. wah! she cannot stand her maid liaoz.. also too much lah the maid..

argue with the employer still can bang table bang fridge and bang the stove.. got such maid ar? if its me.. i beat liaoz.. den i will go to jail liaoz.. cos maid abuse mah.. hahahaha..

den of cos give her surprise lor.. wake her up at 5 am in the morning and den send her back lor.. wah.. very fierce leh she.. @ the airport.. make my auntie argue and raise her voice at the stupid maid.. sigh.. den she lagi best.. refuse to go in leh.. (cos my mum they all holding her hp lah.. dun wan to give her back).... somemore ask my aunt to try her when tell her that her WP cancelled liaoz.. if she dun wan to go in.. she will be jailed lah.. wah.. she not scared leh.. ask her to try her leh.. ok lor.. den we all stand there.. she cannot tahan.. she go in.. den wait till she clear ICA den we go and eat breakfast @ Hans.. hahahahaha.. den listen to aunt complains lor..

after that send HB to work den i go home and zzz somemore.. den go mum's plc take mahjong and den friends and relatives come over to play, eat, watch dvd and TCSS lor.. the best thing is.. the house got so many ppl.. our fan SPOIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! early dun spoil .. late dun spoil.. when so many ppl den spoil .. den dun have time to go and buy new fan.. sigh..

WE play mahjong .. lose a bit.. win a bit lor..

Well.. 1st day of CNY quite busy..

- went to MIL's house.. eat...
- went to mum's plc .. wait
- went to Grandma's house... eat
- den head to jb~~!!!! hehe.. yeah.. will tell u what.. go in play firecrackers lor..
very fun.. but i din play much.. in charge of taking photos.. cos i too heavy liaoz!!! can't run.. hahahaha.. den stay over a night.. the motel aircon damn SHOIK lah!! haha..

2nd day of cny.. wake up .. go shopping buy HB's pants.. bought at least 3 pairs wor.. cos cheap mah.. end up total spending + a bit of other things like my t-shirt and undies and so on.... OH YA!! bb's pampers and a bit of essentials.. about SGD200 + wor!!!

come back liaoz.. go to HB's aunt's house.. sit sit ard for a while den come home zzz liaoz.. hahahaa..

3rd day.. nothing much ... went to ikea walk walk.. see see look look .. spend also about $50 liaoz.. bought the small stool...

Hahaha.. HB last nite came back with a hello kitty bloster for me and 1 for baby~~!! hahahaha.. so happy.. and with a hello kitty clock too~! i ask him.. hey this is my v-day present ar??

he said no lah!! ur v-day present i give u liao mah.. neh.. that day i give u $400? wah lao! like that also can?? that money is for CNY one leh.. hahahaha..

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well today is CNY's eve~~!!

Going to be a very busy day~ now going to send my mum to Aunt's elina's plc den pick HB den go to MIL's plc den hang ard there den go to aunt's elina's plc.. den.....

go to LYTPK hahahah.. (LoYang Tua Pek Kong) pray lor..

the maid also wan to go.. hahaha.. she never go temple before..

tomolo and 1st day also busy day bah.. 1st day evening we going in jb and come back on the 2nd day.. going there for what huh?? dun tell u first..

come back den tell u~!! :PP

Wishing all a Happy Chinese New Year~!! "Gong Xi Fa Cai, Xing Nian Kuai Le, Xin Nian Xing Hao Yun" -- 恭喜发财， 新年快乐， 新年幸好运 ~~!!

I read this on my friend's blog.. i hope that it would go on and on in our relationship..

I love you darling.. always and forever.. thanks for giving me everything that u can..

15 Ways To Make Your Love Last

Talk to each other
Best friends talk!!! Once the initial passion dies down, you are left with conversation. If there is no conversation then the relationship may only be built on the physical, and thus, not likely to last in the long-term. Find new things to talk about every day, even if it is just reporting your day to your loved-one. Talk about current events in the news, the plot of your favorite movie or just discuss plans for the next time you go out. Talking is the key to longevity…don’t forget it!

Get away with each other
Take a trip together, whether for a night, a weekend or a week - it will breathe new life into your relationship, as well as test the waters by forcing you out of your ‘safe" environment. Plus, you will be creating memories to last throughout your relationship. (Be sure to take pictures!)Give gifts. Sure, you can survive on love alone - but why? Don’t ever forget the importance of gifts! Don’t feel like you must spend a fortune on gift-giving - after all, it’s the little things that count anyway. A single flower, a picture frame, a magazine….any little thing that reminds you of your lover….will make your sweetheart’s love grow.

Make Love Well, this is self-explanatory.
Believe it or not, sometimes in a long-term relationship, sex gets put on a backburner. Try not to let this happen. Talking opening about the subject and being genuinely affectionate will help keep the fire lit.

Write notes.
Leave little love notes for each other in unexpected places…under a pillow. On the bathroom mirror. In his lunch bag. Email. This will keep the courtship going well after you move in together!

Walk.
A great way to take some time with your loved one is to go for a walk together. Not only will you be able to spend some time away from the daily grind of your home or office, but you may find that you begin talking more often about things you wouldn't’t otherwise. It’s also a great excuse to hold hands and get some exercise!

Flirt.
No, not with other people! With each other! Once people settle into a relationship, it get easier and easier to forget to continuously woo the object of your affection. Don’t forget the hair flips, the coy smiles and the light touches on the arm..they can be integral in keeping the excitement going, especially after many years and a few kids...

Date.
Grab your calendars and set a time each week or each month for an official "date". Plan ahead and alternate who is responsible for making the plans. If you have a date night, you have something special to look forward to - and for parents it could be a much-needed adult night out.

Get away from each other.
Plan a trip or a retreat for yourself, or just isolate yourself on the other side of the house for a day. Sometimes, we get so caught up in being a couple that we forget to be an individual. Take a bath or read a book, or catch up on correspondence. Or just sleep. Time alone can be rejuvenating, and by the end of it, you may find that you look forward to seeing your partner even more!

Make a list of everything you love about them….and give it to them.
Be sure to let the love of your life know why they hold that title. All too often we say "I Love You", but never really think about each little thing that creates the overall emotion. Tell her you love her laugh or that his smile makes the problems of the world go away or that his silly sense of humor is what made you fall in love with him in the first place. Telling your partner the things that make up the building blocks of your relationship will put a new light on your love…and make you more aware of the little things of the future.

Cook dinner for each other.Plan a menu, do some grocery shopping and Bam! - you are Emeril in the kitchen. Well, maybe not, but a nice dish of pasta and some wine can go a long way with a little candlelight, some music and togetherness. Make an effort to prepare dinner for each other. It can be fun to plan the perfect meal and the atmosphere you create during the meal can reap major benefits after the meal!

Make CDs for one another.Show your true side to your sweetheart by making a CD compilation of your favorite songs throughout the years. Be honest - put all the disco and Journey and Britney Spears on it as you wish…it will always remind your partner of you and you can joke about it later on. Alternatively, create a collection of your favorite love songs.

Celebrate little anniversaries.Your first date. Your first kiss. Your first trip. Your first…whatever. CELEBRATE IT! Remember your time together by creating little anniversaries for otherwise trivial things. It will keep the spark alive and give you incentive to try new things together!

Read to each other.
If you find an interesting article in a newspaper or magazine, or an evocative passage from a book, cut it out, or highlight it and read it to your partner later. It could start a long conversation and will bring you closer because you shared something that touched you.

Compliment each other.
Never forget this - especially if your sweetie is a woman! Women love compliments, but men enjoy them immensely as well. A favorable mention of one’s smile or hair or outfit or figure will create much happiness. When was the last time you made your partner’s face light up?

Ya.. V-day.. valentine's day 2007.. our first v-day together.. end up.. only me and the new maid. . the maid just came to my house today..

how come like that right? becos HB got HIGH fever lah!!! sigh.. wedding night like that.. v-day also like that.. sad.. :~(

last nite din sleep well.. HB fever till 39.1c.. so worried.. can't get to sleep.. so worried that the fever will damage his brain.. sigh..

den this morning still insist of going to work.. cos no one to cover him.. so heart pain u know.. lucky he listen and go to the doctor at work place there and got 2 days MC.. hope he doesn't go to work tomolo.. he is still sick..

no appeitiate for dinner too.. he got eat lunch lah.. fish porridge. those teochew style one..

See Hb like that very very heart pain.. wat a v-day rite?? just hope that he gets well can liaoz..

Hehee... weekend was good.. V-day on wednesday mah.. on sat.. we went out.. den HB and I pass 25hrs.. den he walk in and see a pair of watch den we buy lor.. at last got 1 pair of watch with HB.. actually i was conplaining and complaining lah.. abt the watch he and his ex one lah.. he like that watch so much i very jealous lor.. i also dunno why.. maybe just gers lah huh..

den last week when he got his pay.. he wanted to bring me go buy watch.. but that was like after i complained.. so i very reluctant lor.. like entertain me only.. i dun like.. like wan to make me stop complaining lor.. i dun like lah.. anyway.. bought something nice and he like it.. hehe.. i love it too!!

Den we went to buy bb's stuff.. wah!!! the bill came up to another $3 will touch $400 liaoz.. hahaha.. but for baby mah.. wat to do?? our previous made out of love.. hehe..

Morning we went to get bb's drawer for clothes and a fabric kind of cupboard for the maid.. i worried that the application can't get thru.. hopefully can get thru asap.. i need her to clean the house for me!!!!! den HB no need to so "xin ku" this sat liaoz..

yesterday went to buy levis jeans for HB for CNY lor.. i think more like v-day gift bah.. i mean i treat it as v-day gift lah.. just nice mah.. quite good buy lah.. 2 pair for $200 odd only.. worth it lor.. cos got 50% off the 2nd pair.. hehe.. Den HB like feel very bad like that.. he said.. after i give birth.. i slim down.. every month bring me go buy 1 pair of levis jeans.. hahaha.. i said "siao ar? buy so many pair for wat? " 1-2 pair can wear very long liaoz.. "

I love HB very much... i very scared to lose him.. but sometimes .. i scared i push too hard also he will run away... like today.. i went to doc to check my chicken pox lah.. the GP.. i whole day din call him/sms him.. but i miss him sooooooooooo much... den while driving.. hahahaha.. he called... hehehe..

Tomolo not going out liaoz.. got to wait for bb's stuff to come.. spend a lot during the weekend.. a bit scared not enuff for ang bao and to survive... hahaha.. well.. typical singaporeans lor.. hopefully strike 4D.. hahahaha.. toto.. not greedy.. group 2 can liaoz.. hahaha..

hurt my wrist.. actually wanted to go sinseh one.. den doc say.. its normal in preggy mums.. told HB .. Hb said.. if normal.. only 1 hand meh?? i also dunno.. try the patch first den say lor.. i suspect is injuried it while working.. cos u know we got to type and use the mouse a lot.. den the wrist very easy get hurt one.. Sigh..

I must go trial and error how to upload pics and add links liao.. i wonder if anybody reads my blog.. anyway.. nobody know my blog also.. hahaha.. only my sister.. :)

Weekend was fine... sat went out for check up with HB's company.. den went to choose maid and fortune teller for baby's time..

Den........... i was told that my chinese name is very very bad...(cos need to give them the parents name den can foretell) so got to change.. just change the writing character only.. also good lah.. that means no ppl will know i change name lor.. unless change character also need to do deed poll.. i forget to check with my boss..

den send mum to work.. go walk walk den go collect HB's pay and den go home and rest lor.. i think we still go out.. can't remember.. hahahaa..

on sunday rest at home the whole day.. spring cleaning.. din have much appetitiate.. den realise at got spots on my hand liiks like small blisters..

den evening want to go out liaoz.. saw that whoel body have!!!

thinking wanna go see doc but mum and HB say tomolo (monday) which is today lah..

Den up go and see.. confirm chicken pox.. rest at home.. so kiasi.. still went to company doc cos GP dun wan to give.. den gyane say the medicine must eat.. so end up went to find doc lim.. den must eat lor.. if not baby in danger..

wat a lousy GP downstairs... now resting.. waiting for HB to come back.. wonder how HB going to handle.. sigh..

Weekend was fine... sat went out for check up with HB's company.. den went to choose maid and fortune teller for baby's time..

Den........... i was told that my chinese name is very very bad...(cos need to give them the parents name den can foretell) so got to change.. just change the writing character only.. also good lah.. that means no ppl will know i change name lor.. unless change character also need to do deed poll.. i forget to check with my boss..

den send mum to work.. go walk walk den go collect HB's pay and den go home and rest lor.. i think we still go out.. can't remember.. hahahaa..

on sunday rest at home the whole day.. spring cleaning.. din have much appetitiate.. den realise at got spots on my hand liiks like small blisters..

den evening want to go out liaoz.. saw that whoel body have!!!

thinking wanna go see doc but mum and HB say tomolo (monday) which is today lah..

Den up go and see.. confirm chicken pox.. rest at home.. so kiasi.. still went to company doc cos GP dun wan to give.. den gyane say the medicine must eat.. so end up went to find doc lim.. den must eat lor.. if not baby in danger..

wat a lousy GP downstairs... now resting.. waiting for HB to come back.. wonder how HB going to handle.. sigh..

Weekend was fine... sat went out for check up with HB's company.. den went to choose maid and fortune teller for baby's time..

Den........... i was told that my chinese name is very very bad...(cos need to give them the parents name den can foretell) so got to change.. just change the writing character only.. also good lah.. that means no ppl will know i change name lor.. unless change character also need to do deed poll.. i forget to check with my boss..

den send mum to work.. go walk walk den go collect HB's pay and den go home and rest lor.. i think we still go out.. can't remember.. hahahaa..

on sunday rest at home the whole day.. spring cleaning.. din have much appetitiate.. den realise at got spots on my hand liiks like small blisters..

den evening want to go out liaoz.. saw that whoel body have!!!

thinking wanna go see doc but mum and HB say tomolo (monday) which is today lah..

Den up go and see.. confirm chicken pox.. rest at home.. so kiasi.. still went to company doc cos GP dun wan to give.. den gyane say the medicine must eat.. so end up went to find doc lim.. den must eat lor.. if not baby in danger..

wat a lousy GP downstairs... now resting.. waiting for HB to come back.. wonder how HB going to handle.. sigh..

I have been wanting to ask.. but also dunno how to start.. but wat do u all think if ur hubby dun wan to let 1 of his so-call female colleague knows that he is married? i mean i did ask him.. all he said was not that he is hiding... but they did not mention abt it mah..
why i said so-call female colleague is becos the ger is from the main contractor's client which my hubby is the sub-con side lah.. by right they are not suppose to be able to talk to each other.. if main con find out jialat lah.. but got 1 day.. just last week or so.. the goods kanna stuck somewhere.. that's why they need to communicate thru phone and its an urgent cargo...
so last nite.. hubby log in msn.. he asked me to check something for him i went to the computer.. i saw her messaging him.. (he just log in only) she said "hi. chatting?" i wanted to reply for him saying " nope, busy with my wife" den i call him and see what i type but i did not send the msg.. den he say "no no.. should be like that" den he start signing out and exiting msn leh!!
of cos i angry lah!! i make a big fuss and so on.. ask him why he did that.. he said "cos i dun wan to talk to her" ... of cos i angry.. ask him what is he tryin to hide and so on..
so he explain (we just held our customary abt 1 month ago) " in the complex, everybody see me.. ask me "hey married liaoz huh? how's the dinner?" den he say he also paiseh.. cos he dunno how to answer cos a lot of them in his same industry he did not invite.. den he tell me "some ppl u can tell them something.. some cannot. Say already,instead of the whole complex know.. the whole world will know"
I asked him.. den what's there for u to hide? get married very shameful meh? he said its not that den he still trying to explain himself.. till he got a bit fed up becos for the whole week i have been crying on and off and i have read from the internet that its signs of depression.. he also know.. but he dunno how to deal / handle me..
he assure me that he did not do anything unfaithful den why i keep crying.. i also dunno leh.. but i will scared lor (from my previous marriage) .. Sigh.. den while trying to comfort me.. he actually said "sorry" IF nothing done wrong.. tell me sorry for what? sorry for not letting his female friends know that he is married????
Do u think what he said can be believed ? or i am just being paranoid and sensitive???
I remember got 1 night.. before going to sleep.. i ask him leh.. how come u keep in contact with her?? he said "work lor, what else" "please lah.. compare u with her.. 1 heaven, 1 earth leh.. " "u wan to ask me who heaven huh? of cos its u lah..the difference very big lor"
i ever ask him also.. now u start to "xian" me is it? he said.. if he "xian" he would have ask me abort the baby long ago..
i also ever ask him " are u sure u are prepared to be a father?" he said "yes"
everyday he work very late.. sometimes busy till no lunch also.. after work he comes home .. bathe, eat,play cpu or watch tv awhile, den will go sleep liaoz.. he does chat on irc lah.. but with me ard i see him chat too lor..
i am confused too..