i very fan lah.. now blogging and thinking and sweating at the same time.. HB in the living room with financial planner.. hahaha..

anyway.. today went to max's (QY's bf) house for "dinner" poh piah .. den we chatted and had a good time laffing i suppose... dunno is it real laff or what lah.. but i still very frustrated and bothered..

I dun feel like coming home suddenly.. i wan some time away.. i wan to think whether am i worth his scarific and love.. i dunno.. i think i am a problematic wife/gf or whatever..

suddenly i feel very lost.. dunno why.. dun ask me why.. next week giving birth liaoz.. mind still thinking of so much.. so scared to give birth.. scared of the pain after birth and so on..

do u think flirting on the chatline is acceptable? i dun think so to me leh.. maybe too senstive.. going to give birth liao still think so much.. i can't take it leh.. i think i going to breakdown soon.. pre-natal blues ? depression? my heart hurts.. now i thinking watever HB sms me is really true and from his heart or he just trying to sweet talk me?

yes.. i admit i feel good when he sweet talks.. but i hate to be cheated.. i dun like to be lied to.. if its not real.. i rather u not say or tell me anything.. if its for the baby.. worse still.. did he marry me becos of the baby? well.. he can always ask someone else to give birth for him mah.. since that time my "case" not settled.. can always go for abortion mah..

he hates it when i cry.. but crying is the only way to relieve my pain.. so can't u just leave me to cry.. cry my heart out after that i will be alright...

but crying in front of him i also scared.. i dun cry at home.. den u wan me to cry in public den come home meh? when i cry at home.. he is home liaoz.. den how?? i really dunno leh.. i scared cry too much he will dun like me den abandon me.. or think that my past is due to my crying too much???

but its not lor.. its the phobia in me.. i am scared.. very scared.. who can help pull me out? out of the darker side and the timid little me? overcome the scared scared scared?

i use to throw temper a lot.. cos i dunno how to vent my anger.. now the only way or whenever i am angry/ sad/ happy.. i only can cry.. will i go blind 1 day?

i also dunno what i just typed make sense a not.. but i think i am suppose to feel much better..

HB has made me love him so much.. that he makes me feel now that.. chatroom ppl are more important den me now.. why? i know he flirts on msn.. but does he knows it hurts me too?

i have since being with him.. stopped flirting.. stopped leading ppl on.. so when he says he miss the ppl online.. and he says he misses me.. which is true? which is flirting? which is sweet talk? i dunno..

its a long long time since we go "pak tor" liaoz.. whenever we go "pak tor" in the beginning we heart to heart talk alot.. is it becos its on fire time? new birds time? now we seldom heart to heart talk.. only i tell him what i am thinking.. no longer of what he is thinking of....... further more he is addicted to chat rooms.. yes.. i know him thru chatroom.. maybe becos of that i am scared that he will get to know someone else thru chatroom too..

yes i know i should trust him.. but his addiction is over-doing it liaoz.. i dun feel secure.. not as secure as when we stay in 1 room.. that kind of security is no longer there..

HB also said.. he will get over the addiction in 2-3 weeks time.. but.. its been over that liao i suppose.. i wonder when bb comes out.. will he still be as addicted?? i am worried.. i can't take it liaoz.. i may really breakdown soon.. :(

tomolo got company dinner..